An Open Letter to Senator Barack Obama

Senator Obama,

I invite you to glance at this article before reading my letter.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/18/world/americas/18food.html?hp

It is no secret that World Hunger is on the rise. The cause is apparent - rising food costs. What ma not be so apparent is why. There are so many articles on what is happening, but not so many on why. Why is wheat now so expensive? Why are normally reasonably prices crops now up close to 50% in cost? The answer is quite clear, but nobody is talking about it. The reason is ethanol.

With the recent government regulation requiring more fuels to be combined with ethanol, the demand for corn has risen sharply. Farmers would be crazy to not grow corn, as it is selling almost immediately to the energy industry. Where this may be good for the farmers, it immediately creates a shortage in supply for other crops, causing the price to increase dramatically. Obviously, I don’t need to quote simple economics to you, as I am sure you are well aware of how they work.

The problem here is the ethanol market. The market is artificial… driven by a scare of global warming, the false benefits that ethanol is supposed to provide, and government regulation. Sure, ethanol lowers our dependence on fossil fuels, but it is by no mean a replacement. Even the benefits of ethanol are questionable, even marginal at best (http://environmentalalmanac.blogspot.com/2005/10/ethanol-and-environment.html).

The point I am trying to make here is “is it worth it?” Is it worth starving hundreds of thousands of people and collapsing several governments due to food shortages and riots… just so the ethanol industry can take off and make some money for a few companies? I think the answer is obvious.

It’s very frustrating in an economic system like ours to see significant scientific processes be held back because it is “bad for the economy.” We should be eliminating our dependence on oil based fuels completely, not supplementing it with a food source. I find it hard to believe that we can build a rocket, launch it to Mars, and drop off a rover that we can control from a planet away and sent pictures back… but we can’t make an electric or magnetic based engine for cars?

Another thing that irritates me is “why corn?” Why must ethanol be made from corn? There are a ton of other plants that can be refined into oils, why is corn the one for us? It is a food source, yet we burn it up for transportation. What about this plant…
http://www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_strauss/20070904.html
or this…
http://www.wired.com/cars/energy/news/2008/01/ethanol23

There has also been a lot of hype about algae producing biofuels.
http://www.scribemedia.org/2007/12/12/algae-biofuel-valcent-vertigro/

All of this provides a more reasonable source of biofuel than corn, yet corn is the source that gets government subsidies and ends up driving the food crisis higher around the world.

I realize that you are not my senator. I am not an Illinois resident. You are, however, possibly the next president of the United States. I really want this to be brought to your attention. I may not be too out of place, considering all of my family is from Illinois, and many of them still reside there. I will also be sending this to my senator, and my representatives.

Senator, I hope this has struck a chord with you in some way, as it is in the forefront of what I fell should be addressed immediately by our government. With you potentially becoming the next president of the United States, I feel submitting this letter to you was my best course of action.

Thank you for your time Senator.

Sincerely,
Derek Wagner

Dear Spokane Plow Drivers 1/28/2008

I’d like to thank you.  First, for plowing the side streets of the south hill before even doing the arterials on the north side.  I’m sure there is far more traffice on 21st through 29th then there is on those pesky northside arterials like Monroe or Francis.

Secondly, on a more personal note, I’d personally like to thank you for your methods of plowing last night.  As I worked for 2 hours with a giant snowblower to remove the frozen burm of dirty ice and snow from my driveway and sidewalk (the one that the mail man apparently can’t negotiate so I haven’t been getting any mail except the “The USPS reminds you that you are responsible for shoveling your sidewalk.” notifications, apparently “through rain, sleet, now, or hail” doesn’t include snow on sidewalks), I noticed that 3 of you plow drivers were apporaching me on the street.  I was a little worried, since I had removed about 60% of the burm and was afraid a new one would be put right in place of it.  I would honestly like to thank those first 3 plows for not putting a huge burm where I had just removed one.  You were courteous enough to angle the blades to avoid that.  As I worked even more to get nearly all the burm removed, again, you plowers approached to get the last little bit of snow.  Again, you angled the blades so a minimal amount of snow was put back.  I guess seeing me standing right there made you able to put 2 and 2 together and realize I didn’t want to do all that work again.

Who I would really like to thank is the 3rd set of plowers who did the side street in front of my house.  Not only were you courteous enough to plow my garbage can directly into a huge pile of ice, but you managed to cover up my walkway and the public sidewalk that I had JUST blown out.  To make matters even easier for me, you went ahead and took that remaining side street snow and forced it around the corner onto the arterial, toward my driveway.  I was very relieved that the first plow stopped before my driveway, since I was still standing there and watching, and I had just disassembled the snowblower handle to fit it in my truck

However, my personal favortie plow driver, the second one from the side street, apparently doesn’t realize what 6 drivers before him did… that a cold, exhausted citizen standing in his driveway with a snowblower and a clear driveway did not fucking want a new pile of snow right where he just removed one.  So, again, thank you, you worthless piece of shit, for putting my sidestreet snow in my driveway.  I’m glad that I borrowed that snowblower and worked for 2 hours for you to fuck it all up in about 5 seconds.

I thank you, my girlfriend who got stuck this morning on that burm thanks you, the cop that had to help us dig her out and push thanks you, the 70 year old paramedic that also helped us dig and push thanks you, as I am sure all the traffic that had to stop behind the cop thanks you as well.

Job well done you fucking cockburn.  I hope you die.  If I find out where you live, maybe I’ll return the favor of blocking your clear driveway, 3 minutes after you clear it.  Only, I’m going to use feces instead of snow…a huge steamy pile of feces.  Fucker.

This Blog Sponsored by: 9/23/2007

As I watched the Bears today take a pounding at the hand of the Dallas Cowboys, I started to notice something about the NFL broadcasts… There are nearly as much advertisements as there are footbal minutes played.  It’s to the point where I don’t even want to watch it anymore.  Even when it’s not a commercial, the plays or camera shots themselves are “sponsored by” or “brought to you by” some company.  It might be a little more tolerable if the company “bringing you” the action had anyhting to do with what they were bringing you.  My favorite today was the “Blimp coverage brought to you by Gillette.”  All this time, I thought Gillette was about personal hygiene products, but it turns out they also provide blimp coverage for your events.  That’s a versitile company.

Even when the cameras were still running for the game, where they’d show a shot of the crowd or a part of the stadium, like the restaurant, the screen is covered by some company’s logo and Al Michaels is rattling off some BS about how this shot was brought to you by McDonalds or whoever was on the screen.  I personally respect that company less now for having lied to me.  McDonalds didn’t bring me that shot, NBC cameramen did.  I highly doubt McDonalds filmed that shot, or paid for the film, or even cared what shot it was.

I think sponsors should be barred form any in game promotion. If they need something to credit shots to, how about something helpful to society, or small, life affirming advice… such as:
“Blimp coverage brought to you by good health and responible parenting”
“Todays broadcast brought to you by cancer research”

or maybe negative sponsoring… such as:

“Blimp coverage was in no way brought to you by A.I.D.S.”
“Todays programming was not made possible by obiesity”
“Diabetes did not fund these programs, and is probably trying to rape your family”

I hear negative publicity works better than positive anyway.  Nobody is going to support something that rapes families… nor are they going to buy a product because it brought you some unseeable NFL blimp camera.

Tom Fucking Selleck 8/6/2007

That’s right… Magnum fucking PI.

I played hockey yesterday, well, tried to play.  We got beat 22-7 I think.  More importantly… I got hit in the taint with the tip of a hockey stick blade.  Yeah, the taint, or choed if you will.  Let me tell you something:  Avoid this at all costs.  I can’t explain how badly a shot to the taint is.  I think it may have cut it.  Yeah, a taint cut.  Fuck all that.  Of course it’s in like the first 5 minutes of the game, so I get to skate around with a stupid bruised, possibly cut taint. I bet you can’t imagine the looks on peoples faces when they ask you why you are walking a little funny, and you respond with “My taint is bruised.”  I do recommend you try walking funny for a day and when people ask, respond with that.  It will change your, and their, lives.

For all those concerned about my taint, I’m happy to report that it doesn’t hurt so bad now.  I can’t imagine I’m going to get a lot of “How’s your taint today?” questions tomorrow, but I guess one can only hope.

On another note, for those of you who are asking “Why wasn’t he wearing protection?”  Well, they don’t have a lot of “taint guards” floating around in the retail universe.  Don’t think about inventing that either, it’s not going to sell well and you’re going to be stuck with thousands of maxi pad looking pieces of protective equipment.

A question 4/26/2007

What if Spiderman’s web came out of his ass like a real spider instead of his wrists?

I want you to really take that in and get a mental picture of Tobey Maguire swinging around from buildings with a string out his ass.  I bet you are sexually excited you sick bastards.

The Movie that Stopped a War 2/17/2007

This evening, I went to see a movie called Hannibal Rising.  This movie was very powerful in it’s effects on me.  As I was watching this movie, there was a war brewing, and I did not even know that it was happening.  You see, earlier in the night, a friend, Bryan, and I went to a local restaurant.  This restaurant serves wings… buffalo wings.  At a mere 20 cents a wing, who could pass up such a delicious treat?  I personally had 15, Bryan: 14. He would have had 15 as well, but in their haste, the cooks mistook our order of 10 for an order of 9, totalling 29, rather than 30.  Bryan volunteered to take the lesser amount.  This is all unimportant.  What is important is that during and after these winhgs were being consumed, alcohol was also being consumed.  2 guinness, a mojito, and a double shot of Jameson were all consumed.  This created a mixture in my stomach of very different, yet appealing ingredients.  These ingredients combined in the depths of my stomach, to form a fromidable foe to any digestive system.  This union of alcohol, wings, and other various ingredients launched a campaign reminiscent of Hitlers march into France.  My intestines were simply not prepared.  Withing moments, the wings slash alcohol army was storming my small intestine with the fury of hell.   My intestines had no choice but to yield.  After the battle of Wagner’s small intestine, the wing/alcohol army moved to take my colon.  It is here where an historic event had taken place.  My colon, fueled by the devastation of the small intestine, held up against the raging army.  For minutes,  it held it’s ground.  After several attempts, the winged alocohol army had to back off out of fear of losses.  Shortly after this stalemate, both sides agreed to send delegates to the negotiation tables.  Members of the winged alcohol republic met with members of the rectal parliament.  In a series of short negotiations, terms were reached.  Both sides agreed to lay down arms and combine their efforts.  Their efforts were then crafted into the perfect specimen of fecal matter.  With this fecal matter, the sides would deliver a message to a new foe… Hollywood.  They would excrete this fecal matter into a bag and send it to their new enemy.  When Hollywood recieved it, they would open the package and find a deuce in a bag.  The bag wold then be labelled “The contents of this is far superior to the movie Hannibal Rising.  Fuck You Hollywood.”

The Sounds of Anger 2/12/2007

So, being angry as I am takes alot of focus, and it may distract me from other things… such as how I sound or am acting.  With that in mind, I’d like to make fun of yet another victim… only this time, it’s me.
The other day, I was driving… which, in Spokane, causes me to become quite angry.  Somehow, people brains turn into gelatin while they drive and a chemical reaction happens in my brain which fills me to the brim with hate.  Well on this particular day, as I was talking out loud to other drivers, my stereo failed to play any music for whatever reason.  Well, with no music, the only thing I could hear was myself and my angry audible suggestions to other drivers.  I discovered something that day… I sound like a total douche when I’m yelling at other drivers.  I mean, really, a total cock.  I wanted to punch myself for sounding so dumb.
First off… why do I have to be so loud?  I’m in a car by myself with the windows up… no matter how loud I am, nobody will ever hear me.  Sometimes I even politely tell some other driver what they did wrong, such as “Hey, you should use your blinker” or “Perhaps you should go faster.”  What the hell?  That’s not even out of anger, I’m just talking to some random driver like they can hear me.  It makes me wonder… maybe I’m going nuts.  Maybe I think they can hear me and it makes me feel like I’ve helped them drive better.  Somehow, I’m everyones personal driving instructor, out to make driving more pleasurable for everyone.  If so, I fucking suck at that job cause everyone still is terrbile at driving.
So next time you yell at a driver, turn down your radio then try it again… you too probably sound like a total douche.

Deliciousness Determines Survival 1/31/2007

I was eating some delicious jerky today and thinking about where it comes from… cows. Sometime way back in the day, someone decided “You know what, I bet that cow walking over there might be delicious.” He or she was certainly right. This must have happened for every animal commonly eaten around the world… someone ate it once and it was good, so several others began eating it as well.

To another subject. All this thinking about animals made me think of the ones that are close to extinction: Bald Eagles, Some types of whales, and all sorts of other different animals that, for some reason, do not flourish in their natural habitat.

Why? Why does this happen? Chickens, Cows, Turkeys, and all these other normal lame animals are everywhere and we see them every day, yet cool animals like Cheetahs and Eagles are fading away.

My discussion of deliciousness and endangered species had led me to a theory:
The more delicious an animal is, the more likely it will not go extinct.

Advertising… wow 11/2/2006

I’m sure all of you have seen the lame little ads here on myspace where you push the button really fast to do something and if your faster than  the flash animation thing, you win a free tea bag or something.  The most annoying thing is… alot of times I’ll just do it to see if I can be faster… even though I know I can and it’s not going to get me anything but a popup window.  FUCK!

Anyway, are these things really working on people?  I know when I get tricked into it, I just close the window that comes up, but are people really going “Wow!  I won a free ringtone!” or “Yes, a free new chance to buy something!”  I mean honestly, these things are ridiculous.  The most recent one I saw was a farting war with a gorilla.  Not a joke…You push the button to fart more on the gorilla than he can fart on you.  What the fuck kind of marketing is that??  “People who can fart really fast on gorillas love our products!”  Pure marketing genius.

I’m going to start making those things, only take it up a notch… something like…. “Push the button to nail more sluts than Ron Jeremy!” or “Push the button to fling more semen on innocent passers by!” or possibly “Push the button to bang more kids than a level 3 sex offender!”  Too far?  I don’t think so.

Higher Education 9/27/2006

As you may or may not know, I am a student… for the better part of a decade.  That’s unimportant.  What is important is what I heard today in one of my classes.  I’m a business major.  If I can give any sort of advice it would be to, first, NEVER change your major.  Second, never change your major to business.  Again, unimportant.  So, as I am close to graduating, I’m enrolled in only 400 and above level classes.  Today, in my human resources management class, which is certainly a high level class specifiacally for management majors, our teacher hands out a little sheet for us to do.  It’s certain situations that are acceptable and not acceptable in the workplace, and we have to rank them as such.  Things like “It is ok to pull your penis out in the workplace” and we assign yes or no to it (obviously, the answer is yes).  One of the statements is “It is ok to ask a subordinate out on a date.”  Now keep in mind, these are mostly seniors in this class that have had several management classes before this one.  As I’m filling out the sheet, this the honest to god truth, I hear a girl say “Hey… what’s a subordinate?”