Dear Spokane Plow Drivers 1/28/2008

I’d like to thank you.  First, for plowing the side streets of the south hill before even doing the arterials on the north side.  I’m sure there is far more traffice on 21st through 29th then there is on those pesky northside arterials like Monroe or Francis.

Secondly, on a more personal note, I’d personally like to thank you for your methods of plowing last night.  As I worked for 2 hours with a giant snowblower to remove the frozen burm of dirty ice and snow from my driveway and sidewalk (the one that the mail man apparently can’t negotiate so I haven’t been getting any mail except the “The USPS reminds you that you are responsible for shoveling your sidewalk.” notifications, apparently “through rain, sleet, now, or hail” doesn’t include snow on sidewalks), I noticed that 3 of you plow drivers were apporaching me on the street.  I was a little worried, since I had removed about 60% of the burm and was afraid a new one would be put right in place of it.  I would honestly like to thank those first 3 plows for not putting a huge burm where I had just removed one.  You were courteous enough to angle the blades to avoid that.  As I worked even more to get nearly all the burm removed, again, you plowers approached to get the last little bit of snow.  Again, you angled the blades so a minimal amount of snow was put back.  I guess seeing me standing right there made you able to put 2 and 2 together and realize I didn’t want to do all that work again.

Who I would really like to thank is the 3rd set of plowers who did the side street in front of my house.  Not only were you courteous enough to plow my garbage can directly into a huge pile of ice, but you managed to cover up my walkway and the public sidewalk that I had JUST blown out.  To make matters even easier for me, you went ahead and took that remaining side street snow and forced it around the corner onto the arterial, toward my driveway.  I was very relieved that the first plow stopped before my driveway, since I was still standing there and watching, and I had just disassembled the snowblower handle to fit it in my truck

However, my personal favortie plow driver, the second one from the side street, apparently doesn’t realize what 6 drivers before him did… that a cold, exhausted citizen standing in his driveway with a snowblower and a clear driveway did not fucking want a new pile of snow right where he just removed one.  So, again, thank you, you worthless piece of shit, for putting my sidestreet snow in my driveway.  I’m glad that I borrowed that snowblower and worked for 2 hours for you to fuck it all up in about 5 seconds.

I thank you, my girlfriend who got stuck this morning on that burm thanks you, the cop that had to help us dig her out and push thanks you, the 70 year old paramedic that also helped us dig and push thanks you, as I am sure all the traffic that had to stop behind the cop thanks you as well.

Job well done you fucking cockburn.  I hope you die.  If I find out where you live, maybe I’ll return the favor of blocking your clear driveway, 3 minutes after you clear it.  Only, I’m going to use feces instead of snow…a huge steamy pile of feces.  Fucker.

The Sounds of Anger 2/12/2007

So, being angry as I am takes alot of focus, and it may distract me from other things… such as how I sound or am acting.  With that in mind, I’d like to make fun of yet another victim… only this time, it’s me.
The other day, I was driving… which, in Spokane, causes me to become quite angry.  Somehow, people brains turn into gelatin while they drive and a chemical reaction happens in my brain which fills me to the brim with hate.  Well on this particular day, as I was talking out loud to other drivers, my stereo failed to play any music for whatever reason.  Well, with no music, the only thing I could hear was myself and my angry audible suggestions to other drivers.  I discovered something that day… I sound like a total douche when I’m yelling at other drivers.  I mean, really, a total cock.  I wanted to punch myself for sounding so dumb.
First off… why do I have to be so loud?  I’m in a car by myself with the windows up… no matter how loud I am, nobody will ever hear me.  Sometimes I even politely tell some other driver what they did wrong, such as “Hey, you should use your blinker” or “Perhaps you should go faster.”  What the hell?  That’s not even out of anger, I’m just talking to some random driver like they can hear me.  It makes me wonder… maybe I’m going nuts.  Maybe I think they can hear me and it makes me feel like I’ve helped them drive better.  Somehow, I’m everyones personal driving instructor, out to make driving more pleasurable for everyone.  If so, I fucking suck at that job cause everyone still is terrbile at driving.
So next time you yell at a driver, turn down your radio then try it again… you too probably sound like a total douche.

Petty Nonsensical Irritance 4/25/2006

Here’s some more random complaints from me which I think are well warranted, but you might not.

First – To the fuckface that hit my car in my work parking lot. I hope you and your entire family contract Ebola from some homosexual gangraping pygmies.  Not normal Ebola, super slow Ebola that eats away at you for months, starting with your genitals and anus.  What kind of dickless cock sucker scrapes the entire side of a car while backing out next to it and just leaves.  You fucking know you did it.  The best part is, the spot you were backing out of wasn’t even a spot!  It’s just a small area of pavement before the flower bed starts.  I bet you could have noticed that being as the spot is half covered in shrubs, not to mention isn’t big enough to fit a car in, as you can tell by the giant scrape down the side of mine.  Fucking die, slowly.

Next – 4 way stops.
Are these honestly that hard to understand?  If you get there first, you go first.  If your turning and the person across from you is going straight, they go first.  If you get there at the same time, the person an the right goes first… just like every other intersection not goverend by lights.  Here’s a couple of short cuts that will help traffic flow better at these puzzles for the less that talented drivers.  If you’re at the stop and I’m coming from either side of you, DO NOT WAIT UNTIL I STOP BEFORE YOU GO.  That is the most assinine thing I can think of right now.  I have a stop sign, I have to stop, you can see me slowing down… IT IS SAFE TO GO.  On that same note, if you already started going, then you see me approaching, do not stop or slow down in the intersection.  If I was to run the stop sign, all that would do is get you hit.  The logical approach would be to get the fuck out of the way by going faster.  Sweet fucking Christ people, I thought it was called common sense for a reason.  Here’s another tip to speed up the wait at the intersection.  If the driver straight across from you is going straight and so are you, it’s probably a good idea to go at the same god damn time.  Seriously, what did you accomplish by waiting for them to get all the way across before you went.  All you’ve done is make the wait longer and piss everyone else off.  Do you stop in the middle of the road every time another car passes you on the other side?  Then why would you wait for them to cross the same intersection as you before you go?  Think about that next time you’re sitting there confusing everyone else with your lack of decision to go.

Lastly – A specific driver this morning.
This man may have been on crack, or simply mentally unstable.  First, I come up behind him on A street.  I’m in a God damn hurry because I’m late, as per usual.  He, apparently, is not late for anything because he’s going a solid 29 mph.  Dear Jackass, fucking move it before I have a stroke.  We arrive to the dreaded Roundabout.  Guess what he does… You got it; stops at the yield sign.  I realize they are the same colors, stop signs and yield signs, but they aren’t the same word, size, or even shape.  Even kids with down syndrome can tell shapes.  By this time, my hands are in the air and I’m swearing at this guy as fast as possible.  Nobody went through the roundabout at all while he was stopped, nor were there even any cars approaching.  He finally goes and does something that leads me to believe he was insane, or on drugs.  He then goes as fast as he can to the next intersection.  Not like 1 or 2 blocks, about 7.  I can see his car bouncing hard over every bump.  I’m going 40-45 (it was an arterial), but this guy has to be doing 80.  There’s houses on this street with pets, kids, and all sorts of other things that you don’t want to go 80 around.  And it’s not like he was a young kid or had a sports car.  This was an old guy in a brown chevy celebrity that could have been a demolition derby car.  Seriously, what the fuck?  Hey, I have an idea, I’m going to go under the speed limit for a while, but to make up time, I’m going to fly through neighborhoods at 80.  I guess that’s one way to do it.

What the F is up Spokane? 11/18/2005

Alright, I’ve been trying to figure this out for years, so now I’m just going to rant about it.  What the fuck is wrong with drivers in the city?  Your contsant need to go reiligously under the speed limit, yet still not pay attention to anything baffles me.  Honestly, there are speed limit signs, I’ve seen them.  Northwest BLVD is the worst.  The average speed is 25-30, yet I pass at least 3-4 speed limit signs and I know they say 35.  How do you people get anywhere in any reasonable amount of time?  At least if you are going that slow, you might be able to pay attention to things like lane lines, or traffic lights, or even medians for fucks sake.  Driving is not hard, everyone can do it.  I personally can do it with one hand, but for all of you, let’s stick to 2 hands or I fear alot of you might die.

As far as the laws go, they are also not hard to follow… let’s review a couple of simple ones.  First, Red lights do mean stop, but more importantly, green lights mean GO!  IMMEDIATELY!  Never was I taught to wait 5-10 seconds before going from a light that just turned green.  Did you forget you were driving?  I know you’ve been sitting there for a total of 2 minutes so I guess you could have forgotten, but come on, pay f-ing attention.

Another simple law, free turns on red.  When the light is red, and you are turning right, you can go if nobody is coming.  It’s designed to speed up the flow of traffic, which seems to be the opposite of what you are doing all the time.  Here’s te kicker, don’t freak out…but when you are turning left from a 2 way street to a one way street, the same free turn law applies!  Everyone was taught this in drivers ed, I was there, I heard them, yet 99% of the time, I’m stuck behind you… who is sitting there, talking on the phone, looking arbitrarily at buildings or yourself in the mirror, doing your taxes, forgetting to drive.  Stop it, immediately.

Another simple law here, turn into the closest lane when you turn.  It is a law, it is designed for a reason.  No, you can’t turn from indiana to division and casually cross ALL FOUR LANES YOU JACKASSES!  Lane lines exists to mark lanes, not for you to slalom around.  More importantly, if someone is turning from the other direction and you are turning across 4 lanes directly in front of them, they can hit you and it’s your fault.  I hope this happens to all of you that do this, cause rest assured, I’m going to hit you and win money for it.

That’s my rant for now, I will be adding to it after I drive and remember more shit that pisses me off.  Stay tuned.

Atrocities of the Road 1/27/2006

Yet another retarded driving experience in Spokane. Wierd.

I was coming home from work yesterday and approached a lady driving in front of me. She starts to go at a green light and gets up to about 35. Immediately when that happens, she hits the brakes down to 20. I’m thinking something might be in the road, whatever. She speeds back up again and all is looking good. She hits about 35… blam, breaks again to 20. This continues for a few blocks and I can’t pass her due to so much traffic. Umm, what the fuck lady? Pedals operate independently from each other, and I don’t recall seeing a speed limit sign the said “35, then 20″ on it. Monkeys with ADD hoped up on speed can operate pedals better than you. To top it off, she is turning in front of me and we have now reached the school zone. Obviously there are cones out where the lane lines are at, because that’s what school zones do. This is apparently a new concept to this lady, who approached the cone with it dead center in front of her and stops mid-intersection. Sweet. Hey lady, there’s 2 cars behind you and this isn’t a turn light, cars are coming at us. After 10 seconds or so of simply staring at the cone, she figures out that the steering wheel will move the car around it and proceeds by it at about 1 mph. A finisher to this great streak of driving is that she drives the next entire block at 10 mph until she turns right… from the left lane. Genius.

After alot of swearing and cursing her entire family, I proceed a full block past where she did her left-lane-right-turn trick, a guy in a jeep pulls out from a stop sign without stopping. Ok, I can deal with that if you hurry and get by me. Oh wait, what’s that? The lanes your turning into are full of cars? Brilliant sir. I saw them there, they aren’t more than 15 feet in front of you. There wasn’t even a chance for a gap, because they are all stopped! Well, he thought he could easily rectify the situation by his next stroke of genius… stopping across 2 lanes of traffic and waiting. You know, I must have forgotten the “Run a stop sign and block all traffic” lesson in Drivers Ed. Silly me.

After DaVinci up there moves his POS, I get under way again and actually make it about 5 miles without another spell of morons trying to operate heavy machinery. Awesome, I’m almost home. I approach a 4-way stop. The car in front of me is stopped there. Next step: Go. Not for them. Next step: Don’t go, and have an argument at the stop sign. Here’s 2 upstanding members of society screaming at each other whilst stopped, and me behind them. Although I was puzzled because I never have actually seen anything like this before, I was still pissed that they weren’t going. I saw the driver look in the mirror more than one time right at me. Still stopped. Finally she goes, still yelling also, but only gets to about 15 mph to continue the argument. Awesome, a low speed mobile domestic dispute right in front of me. Look people, I can yell and drive fast at the same time. I do it every day because of people like you. Damnit. I guarantee the driver was wearing a wife beater. Fitting, since I’m sure thats what he did once they got the fuck out of my way.

Department of retarded traffic 1/4/2006

Department of retarded traffic

As anyone who lives in Spokane undoubtedly knows, we have a problem with the traffic system here.  I’d like to highlight some of the reasons for this, and some of their short comings.  Long ago, when the traffic system in Spokane needed regulation, the city decided to recruit.  They figured they could knock out 2 birds with one stone by creating this department while also giving ‘disadvantaged’ people a chance to work.  This led to them rounding up anyone the thought was, in fact, ‘disadvantaged.’  They then found any high school dropout, any ’special needs’ students, any alcoholics, anyone who’s parents abused drugs while pregnant, and any illiterate person they could find and began the screening process.  Through vigorous tests, including “touch your nose,” “breathe on your own,” and “Drool into this cup,” they rounded it down to 2 of each of the previous groups.  Such it was, the first Spokane Traffic Management Department.

First task – Speed Limits.  With the combined IQ of 37 between 8 of them, and a debate session lasting on tops of 13 to 14 seconds, they decided to go with the 7 year old crack baby’s base limit of 30 mph on arterials.  When asked why he chose this number, the child replied “because it’s the largest number in existence!”  Fucking crack babies.  Who knew they couldn’t count?

Alright, their second task, traffic lights.  They called a meeting of the 8 officers.  After hours of random noisemaking, cursing at each other, and chemically induced comas, downtown’s traffic lights were constructed and timed.  In a miracle of modern science, 2nd streets lights were timed so that anyone driving east to West via that street would get green lights in sequence.  However, that person is forced to either slow down at every light after division, or to go 15 mph between each intersection.  Apparently they didn’t consult their crack baby representative about speed limits.  After 2nd street was timed, the committee decided that 2nd street was the only one that should be sequenced this way, so they just took one of their alcoholics and told him “Anytime you want a drink, you press this button and that will time a traffic light.”  This may have worked in a random freak placement of chance, but the alcoholic also got wasted while doing this.  This of course led to the timing of all lights in the city, besides 2nd street.  Please remember this when you are sitting at a red light 1 block later than the green light you just went through and you think to yourself “Who designed these lights?”  The answer is:  a fiending drunken alcoholic and a crack baby.

Since the creation of said Traffic Department, many generations have gone by.  The city thought that they should keep their department consistent, so through ages of inbreeding and closed mindedness, they have managed to keep the same members offspring in the department, complete with the same afflictions.

As more and more traffic issues need to be addressed, the department continues to baffle and amaze the city with their random off the wall ideas including:  Roundabouts, Extended road work times, reconstructing all north south roads at the same time period, and a north-south freeway that runs between the city and the valley where nothing that anyone needs to access will be located near.

I hope you can now understand the complexity that is Spokane’s Traffic System.

Roundabout Adventures 12/20/2005

With the addition of the new roundabout at Wellesley and A street, there apparently needs to be some instructions on how to use it, as apparently most people that I drive behind don’t have the intellect to grasp a “yiled” sign.  Here we go.

Well start at the beginning (obviously).  Here’s some basics:

Roundabouts are designed to keep traffic flowing and avoid stops for unneccesary amounts of time.  There is only one direction to go (counter clockwise) and you choose one of 4 possible exit routes.  Now to the step by step.

1.  As you approach, notice the yield signs.  What to do:  YEILD!  If cars are in the roundabout right in front of you, don’t go.  What NOT to do:  Stop when cars aren’t there.  I thought that’s what yield meant?  Also, do no go assuming others will stop, that is why there are yield signs outside of the roundabout, not inside.

2.  When you enter the roundabout, realize you are now safe from traffic outside the roundabout.  They are all, by law, required to yield to you.  What to do:  Go around and pick your exit.  What NOT to do:  STOP AND LET OTHERS ENTER!  If one of you bastards does this again while I’m behind you I’m going to get out and choke you to death.  This morning 2 of you did it in a row and I about had an embelism.  Did you see a yield sign in front of you?  NO!  It’s in front of the jackass you just let in!

If you follow these simple rules, I believe we can all get along better, and your life will be alot longer as I won’t have to murder you.