What if Spiderman’s web came out of his ass like a real spider instead of his wrists?
I want you to really take that in and get a mental picture of Tobey Maguire swinging around from buildings with a string out his ass. I bet you are sexually excited you sick bastards.
This evening, I went to see a movie called Hannibal Rising. This movie was very powerful in it’s effects on me. As I was watching this movie, there was a war brewing, and I did not even know that it was happening. You see, earlier in the night, a friend, Bryan, and I went to a local restaurant. This restaurant serves wings… buffalo wings. At a mere 20 cents a wing, who could pass up such a delicious treat? I personally had 15, Bryan: 14. He would have had 15 as well, but in their haste, the cooks mistook our order of 10 for an order of 9, totalling 29, rather than 30. Bryan volunteered to take the lesser amount. This is all unimportant. What is important is that during and after these winhgs were being consumed, alcohol was also being consumed. 2 guinness, a mojito, and a double shot of Jameson were all consumed. This created a mixture in my stomach of very different, yet appealing ingredients. These ingredients combined in the depths of my stomach, to form a fromidable foe to any digestive system. This union of alcohol, wings, and other various ingredients launched a campaign reminiscent of Hitlers march into France. My intestines were simply not prepared. Withing moments, the wings slash alcohol army was storming my small intestine with the fury of hell. My intestines had no choice but to yield. After the battle of Wagner’s small intestine, the wing/alcohol army moved to take my colon. It is here where an historic event had taken place. My colon, fueled by the devastation of the small intestine, held up against the raging army. For minutes, it held it’s ground. After several attempts, the winged alocohol army had to back off out of fear of losses. Shortly after this stalemate, both sides agreed to send delegates to the negotiation tables. Members of the winged alcohol republic met with members of the rectal parliament. In a series of short negotiations, terms were reached. Both sides agreed to lay down arms and combine their efforts. Their efforts were then crafted into the perfect specimen of fecal matter. With this fecal matter, the sides would deliver a message to a new foe… Hollywood. They would excrete this fecal matter into a bag and send it to their new enemy. When Hollywood recieved it, they would open the package and find a deuce in a bag. The bag wold then be labelled “The contents of this is far superior to the movie Hannibal Rising. Fuck You Hollywood.”
It’s true, the hills do NOT have eyes. In stead of eyes, they have 2 film projectors where eyes would be, and they are both playing the shittiest movie ever.
I”ll warn you now… this blog will ruin the movie for you, but the movie ruins itself by being about as entertaining as insect sex. Save your money and read this, then you can pay me 8 bucks if you want.
The premise of this string of retarded pictures was a bunch of mutated wierd people love killing and eating people… or animals as you find out. Apparently nuclear radiation no longer kills you… it mutates you in to a super strong demented killer that eats people, but also manages to have alot of weapons and radios and shit. Oh, and makes you a rapist.
The first ridiculous event I noteiced in this movie is that, while taking a shortcut recommended by a creepy onl gas station attendant, the family traveling across the desert runs over a spike strip set up by the mutants. Yes, they have spike strips. After some crazy swerving and a wreck into a rock, their reaction is “Oh, we must have had a blow out.” Umm… all of your truck and trailer tires are sliced, but yeah, it must have been a blow out on this dirt road with nothing sharp on it.
Dear Family,
When you have an accident on an abandoned desert road, please make sure to send 2 of the 3 guys you have in your party in opposite directions looking for help, while leaving the 2 women, 15 year old boy, and baby alone in the trailer. Also make sure to leave the boy a gun to ‘protect’ everyone. Brilliant.
The makers of the movie must have realized that the plot of this movie was something drawn up by a 5 year old monkey with down syndrome, so they just began inserting gratuitous violence. Long story short, Gas station attendant guy shoots his own head off with a shotgun. Dad gets captured, then set on fire while tied to a tree… stuff like that.
The next scene is possibly the most blatently disturbing scene I’ve seen in a movie in a long time. While Dad is set on fire while tied to a tree, mutant creepy guys sneak into the trailer and break and steal stuff. They find token hot daughter in the back of the trailer sleeping. Huge mutatued guy covers her mouth and starts caressing her with his grossness. Other mutant guy beats him up as to look like he might stop her from being defiled, but was really just getting her for himself. Guess what, he rapes her. They don’t show it because I don’t think they can, but it was in the background. Big sister walks in on it and freezes up. She then grabs a frying pan and jacks dude in his bitch ass chin. Mutant guy turns his gun on the baby (which is hers) so she stops. He then proceeds to take her shirt off and put his mutant mouth all over her boobs, while holding a gun to the baby’s head. Mom walks in… immediately gets blasted by mutant guy. Big sister grabs a screwdriver and jabs it into mutant guys leg which earns her a 357 slug to the skull. The 2 mutant guys warn hot daughter they’ll be back for her and take off running.
Amazing, a mutant rape, a titty sucking, a shot to the chest, and a shot in the head in one scene. that pretty much ruined the entire movie. The rest of the movies sucked just as bad, but had less mutant rape and titty sucking in it, which is a plus.
Over all opinion, never see this movie. In fact, kill yourself before going to see it. Go see brokeback mountain or something. Sure it’s about gay dudes, but it can’t be as bad as what I just saw. I honestly recommend V for Vendetta. Where The Hills Have Eyes was full of grossness, rape, and sucking real bad, V for Vendetta is full of Awsomeness, ass kicking, and mocking governments.
