Higher Education 9/27/2006

As you may or may not know, I am a student… for the better part of a decade.  That’s unimportant.  What is important is what I heard today in one of my classes.  I’m a business major.  If I can give any sort of advice it would be to, first, NEVER change your major.  Second, never change your major to business.  Again, unimportant.  So, as I am close to graduating, I’m enrolled in only 400 and above level classes.  Today, in my human resources management class, which is certainly a high level class specifiacally for management majors, our teacher hands out a little sheet for us to do.  It’s certain situations that are acceptable and not acceptable in the workplace, and we have to rank them as such.  Things like “It is ok to pull your penis out in the workplace” and we assign yes or no to it (obviously, the answer is yes).  One of the statements is “It is ok to ask a subordinate out on a date.”  Now keep in mind, these are mostly seniors in this class that have had several management classes before this one.  As I’m filling out the sheet, this the honest to god truth, I hear a girl say “Hey… what’s a subordinate?”

Dear Motherfuckers 9/4/2006

Yeah, I called you all motherfuckers.  Turns out I haven’t had anyhting to write about in a number of weeks.  Even my reader contribution blog didn’t work as I only got 2, maybe 3 responses.  It was a bad idea to begin with as I can’t write an angry blog from someone elses perspective.

So, my job still sucks and I still work with an alcoholic, a gravy filled fatty, an all black wearing guy with a mo-hawk, A new guy who knows nothing (he works tech support but doesn’t know what a router is), and a guy who hasn’t been to work in 3 weeks.  None of these people get fired for their appearance, lack of knowledge, or lack of showing up to work.  I seriously am going to start testing my boundaries there.  I’m going to start planting things in the office… like bras and condoms on peoples chairs just to see what the reactions are.  I’ve already put in a Tech support ticket, signed it as Arnold Schwarzenegger and filled it out as “The server is down!  Get to the chopper!  You’ve got to get the server up or get to the chopper!”  Sadly, no response.  I also may start sitting on their chairs and pulling myself down on them as hard as possible, fart in the cusion, get up nice and gingerly so it stays in the cushion so the next time they sit down, the smell pours out as if they did it themselves.  I’ll figure something out, or else I’ll go nuts.

Now I’ve got to get back to punching faces and karate kicking hearts.  Fuck ya.

Fear in Your Hearts 8/21/2006

Fear in your hearts

Everyone must live in fear, for we are those who will ruin your agenda.  What agenda you may ask?  It’s your political agenda.  We will savagely remove random ploitical campaign signs from one location and place them in your yard as if you support that candidate.  Your political reputation will be forever tarnished as your neighbors scoff you from afar… wondering why you would support both republican and democrat in the same yard!  You may no longer rest in assurance that your own political opinions are yours to keep to yourself, as the signs will show to all your obvious lack of judgement toward each candidates campaign.  Live in fear, all of you, for you may be the next victim of ridiculous political banter!

Stupidity and Carelessness Win Again 7/14/2006

Stupidity and carelessness win again

This blog is about the Wego kite tube.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, go here:  http://www.sportsstuff.com/

On that page, you’ll also notice that this product has been withdrawn from the market.  Thanks to other peoples carelessness, I can’t ride one of these.  I’ll elaborate on that.

So my buddy messages me about how there’s a recall on these because people died on it and there have been many injuries.  I looked them up on the internet… sure enough, plenty of injuries.  2 people died, there were multiple broken bones (hips, femurs, ribs, necks), concussions, coughing up blood, bruised aorta, collapsed lungs, etc.  I was thinking “Holy shit, these things are death traps.”  Then I went and looked up some comments on the tubes and some videos.  Turns out, these things aren’t death traps… when you aren’t stupid and careless.

So, theres 3 lengths of rope on these, rated beginner, intermediate, and advanced.  Fromt he videos of this on the internet that I saw of injuries, people are not using the short beginner rope.  Also, the safety video that comes with the tube states to only go “17 – 22 miles per hour at any time.”  On the videos and on the comments I saw, people are taking these things up to 60 mph.  Do the math… 20 feet in the air… 60 mph… falling off… that’s going to cause some serious harm.  Another thing the video states is “Do not use in windy conditions.”  At least half of the injurys that I read about were caused by a “sudden gust of wind.”  Hmm… sounds like the video may have been right.

Now to the serious part of the recall… the deaths.  I read about one of these written by the person who was driving the boat when the guy died.  Turns out that he fell off, while in the air, head first and broke his neck instantly.  The best part… the water where he fell was 3 feet deep.  The stupidest of stupid people should still realize that if you fall from any distance into 3 feet of water, you’re going to hit the bottom.  Add 20 mph of forward motion and high altitudes of flying… you’re toast.  I couldn’t find the circumstances of the other death, but I doubt it was on the beginner length going 17-22 mph.

Now, you don’t have to be a genius to realize that a tube that flys high in the air behind a boat is dangerous.  Despite the many warnings in the video and on the package, and in the instructions… it’s just a dangerous idea, just like skydiving, rock climbing, base jumping, wakeboarding, mountain biking, racecar driving… all of them.  If it’s your first time on this tube, you’re not an expert, nor are you intermediate.  Don’t use those lenghts until you can control what you are doing.  Just like you wouldn’t enter the indy 500 without driving a car first.

Top off what I mean, on that website I provided, you can read about how wakeboarding champion Parks Bonifay took the kite tube out for a spin.  he was able to control it, fly high, float, and to top it off, purposefully backflip off of it into a dive.  He didn’t get hurt, he didn’t die.  Can he do this because he’s jsut got super human traits…. no.  He can do it because he’s experience with balance, water sports, and control.  You would call that an expert.

People have become so irresponsible for their own actions i this country it’s disgusting.  If they get hurt, they jsut blam somebody else, or sue them, or both.  “I guess I just didn’t know that a lawnmower wasn’t supposed to be turned over and sat on… it didn’t warn me about it in the manual.”  This goes back to my permission to be retarded blog.  As evidence of this effect in the US, I invite you to, if you can get your hands on it, look at the manual for a Husqvarna chainsaw.  Compare the Swedish manual with the English one.  The English one is nearly 10 times thicker than the Swedish one.  The English one is so full of disclaimers and so much more detail because if it wasn’t, they’d get sued.  I’m tired of having my experiences ruined because dumb, careless people can’t use logic or common sense.

Fuck it, I’m moving to Sweden

Residual Self Image 7/11/2006

I’ve been perusing through some people pages on here, their blogs and such, and I’ve come to realize that people do not have the same self images.  Not like varying slightly between person to person, like total opposite ends of the spectrum.  People that I would peg for self confident seem to be less than that… almost self destructive.  How does that happen?

Like any person, I get sad, depressed, angry, scared, shy…etc.  Through all of my emotions, I’ve never thought that I was to blame for anything that I couldn’t control, such as my own emotions or the way other people feel about me.  I always chalk it up to something beyond my control, or external factors.  This way of thinking has left me with a high opinion of myself, which helps alot with self confidence and self esteem.  In reading others information, I see that alot of people seem to blame themselves for these kinds of actions/emotions.  This leads to less than self confidence… things like depression, sorrow, guilt, and more destructive emotions.  How do you fix that kind of thing… more importantly… CAN you fix that way of thinking?  Does it need to be fixed?

Now, I understand that thinking like that is not all bad.  If you are doing something to someone you love that is hurting them or angering them, that way of thinking can be very beneficial.  Steping back and saying “What am I doing that may be causing this?”  However, taking that one step further and blaming yourself for that rather than trying to rectify it is just one more step to self destruction.

I don’t know where this blog is going, I just don’t like to see people blaming themselves for things that require no blame at all.  Someone not liking you is not your fault.. it’s just a feeling.  Your parents beating the shit out of each other is not your fault… it’s theirs.  If your fat, it’s not cause you’re worthless and something’s wrong with you… it’s because you eat too much.  Cutting you arms or hating yourself isn’t going to fix that or anything else, it’s just going to hurt.  Nothing is going to lead to the end of the world as far as emotions or feelings go, nor is anything you do.

Always remember, there’s people out there that really cause harm because of who they are and if you’re reading this, it’s not you.  Child molestors, rapist, murderers, thieves, cultists, druggies, carneys, midgets (ok, not those last 2) are all bad people who cause problems by being who they are.  You are not at fault… unless, of course, you are one of those people.

In case you need just a little more motivation to not hate yourself… take a look at this:

Everyone is better than Courtney Love.

Brain Leakage 7/6/2006

I was trying to come up with a good blog topic and tons of shit just ran through my mind, so that’s what this is going to be: my brain leaking onto this blog.

How come when people are parking cars at a store, they will wait ungodly amounts of time for someone to pack up their car, get in, start it up, back out and leave, just so they can get the close spot when it would take 5 minutes less to drive 50 feet down the row and park in that open spot?  They do it even with a line of cars waiting behind them.  Damn.

How come when I was a kid, everything was cool and entertaining and now everything is boring.  Honestly, what did I actually do as a kid?  Ride bikes, play baseball, play video games, jump off dirt hills, run through sprinklers.  None of that is entertaining anymore.  Maybe baseball, but certiangly not baseball with like 4 kids total, using ghost runners and shit.  Why can’t I get home from work and go “I’m going to go to those unfinished houses and F around in them for hours, then jump off some dirt hills?”  I’d probably be alot less bored.

Who invented the 40 hour work week?  I want to hurt them.  When economists were predicting the future of America back in the day, they forecasted the the average American would eventually only have to work 4 hours a day at the most because we’d be so efficient.  What the hell happened to that?  I propose we vote in the 20 hour work week.  Who cares if stuff doesn’t get done, it’s not like we need all that useless garbage anyway.

I think my bank is trying to give their customers head injuries.  The doors to enter do not have a push or pull sign on then, nor do they have handles that would inticate one way or the other.  The handles are just the generic bar that sticks out that can be for pushing or pulling.  I think that’s a dirty trick.  I know of at least 2 times I’ve tried to push the pulling doors and just run straight into it.  Sure, I know there’s no sign, but the 5 people that saw me run into glass like a bird would don’t know that.

When is rap going to go away?  I seriously saw a commercial with a ganster rap theme song… and it was guys dressed like fruit crusing around listening to rap about underpants.  It was for fruit of the loom.  The worst part is, the fruit guys were trying to be badass while cruising by people with their underpants rap on.  Damn, when is it going to be enough to not take it seriously anymore?

Permission to be Retarded 7/4/2006

CAUTION:  READING CAN CAUSE EYE STRAIN

Oddly enough, this blog was spawned by a hot pocket.  I was putting my hot pocket in the miicrowave just a few minutes ago and noticed the “Caution.  Sandwich will be hot” warning on the packaging.  I was thinking to myself “Really?  You’re telling me after I put this thing in the microwave, it’s possibly going to be hot?  I never would have thought…”  Ok, what I really thought was “Are people seriously that retarded that they need this warning?”  I know after the whole fiasco with McDonalds coffee that companies have to put these warnings on thier packages… but that’s just it.  Companies HAVE to put them on.

People seem to have become so inept at life that they need things like this or they are going to hurt themselves and sue someone else for it because God forbid a consumer actually having to take responsibility for their own stupid ass actions.  This just seems to be giving retards (not disabled people… but morons) to keep being fucking retarded.  I don’t want to read stories about some jackass who cut his arms off thrying to get something out of his lawnmower while it was on, then sue the company because he “didn’t know it was sharp.”  I also don’t want to hear, again, about some ass-fuck that spilled their hot coffee on themselves and blame the restaurant they bought it at.  “Hey, you’re coffee burned my legs when I spilt it on myself.  Pay me for it.” “I’m sorry miss, I’ll get you some cold coffee right away”

I mean, seriously.  Am I going to start seeing warnings in my car that say “Caution:  Other drivers on road” or maybe a permanent banner in the sky that says “Caution:  Sun can be hot”  Well, that would certainly save me the trouble of having to remember the sun can burn me, and I can’t sue the government about it afterwards.

So honestly fucktards, coffee is hot, stuff you cook is hot, blades are sharp, large things are heavy, don’t tilt soda machines toward you, don’t start your car with your arm in the engine belts, etc.  All of these warnings can be summed up into one generic warning that should be on every item… “CAUTION:  STOP BEING FUCKING RETARDED.”

Save the Trees, so this Dude can Wipe his Ass

I was just in the bathroom in the stall (yes, pooping).  A guys goes in the stall next to me and does his business.  I hear him go for the TP and figure he’s done.  He goes for the TP again.  These aren’t like small amounts, I can hear him spin the roll for quite a bit.  By the end, he had gotten TP 5 times.  Whos ass gets that dirty?  It didn’t sound all squirty or anything.  I think he probably made his ass bleed on the third wipe, yet kept going.  I wonder if he does that at home too, but since its not a commercial toilet, it clogs every time.  Perhaps he figures since it’s not his TP he can just waste it.  I don’t kow what he was thinking, but it was stupid.  Moral of the story: you don’t need to wipe your ass 5 times or I’ll make fun of you.

Corporate America 6/14/2006

I work in a corporation.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with how corporations are run, but it’s about the worst possible way to run anything.  I don’t know if that’s specific to my corporation, but it’s my only perspective.

I work at the helpdesk, the frontline support for all technology in the corporation.  I thought if you worked high up in a corporation, you had to have some sort of education.  This is apparently not the truth.  An example of this is alot of the calls I get.  Things like “Yeah, I changed my password yesterday and I can’t login today because I forgot it.”  So, you forgot something you just changed yesterday?  You need it to get in your computer every day you work, but you didn’t think to write it down in case you forgot it?  It’s bad enough you forgot from yesterday, but then not to write it down shows your true brilliance.  I’m so glad you make alot more money than me.

Another gem here is the call I got about a ladys “E” drive.  She was complaining that her E drive was gone.  She uses it everyday and now it’s gone.  Guess what, it’s not some drive on the network she has mapped to “E.”  It’s not even a drive.  It’s her god damned Internet Explorer icon.  She called it the E drive because the icon is an E.  Sweet Fucking Christ people, are you that computer inept even though you use one every day of your life?  How do you make more than me again?  Is your degree from a school for the “gifted?”

Another thing I hate about corporations is the managers.  Take mine for example.  She manages the helpdesk… in the IT department.  She doesn’t know a fucking thing about any technology that we have except our old reservations system… that we are eliminating.  How are you my boss?  Yesterday, she lost her folders in her email program and for the life of her, couldn’t get them back on the screen.  I looked into it because I hadn’t seen anyone do that before.  15 seconds later, I had it fixed.  “Here boss, go to ‘view’ and check ‘folder list’ and voila!  Your folder list is back in your view.  It’s not god damn rocket science, but I’m glad you’re my boss.  Retard.

Who is Setting Trends 5/31/2006

I’m quite irritable and angry today, so I figured I’d pick on some people via this blog.

I was at the pizza buffet with the roommates last night and this kid walked in looking as kids do these days.  Dave laughs and tell us to check out his hat, and after some looking, we found it.  Dave was very justified in his laugh, as this kids hat bill pointed almost straight up (not shark-rally cap style, but parallel to his forehead) and it looks like it is barely hanging on to his head, like maybe it had to be clipped or taped there.   What the fuck?  Who decided that wearing your hat like a moron is the new cool thing to do?  Best of all, this kid asks for an application.  After he left, James told the lady he asked to make him wear his hat like that all the time if he gets hired.  Consequently, she replied with “I’m not going to hire him.”  No surpirse there.

My point is, honestly, who is dictating the trends these days?  Are kids sitting at home going “How can I wear my hat to make me look as retarded as possible?”  If they are following some famous guy or girl, are they just sitting at home asking themselves the same thing?  Maybe they have a panel or committee.  The Committee to look completely retarded day in and day out.  I can be on this committee I bet.  Here’s some of my recommendations:

1.  Cut the bottom quarter of your shirt off on the left or right side.  Picture your shirt as a square and cut the bottom 1/4 off.  Left or right side (you can pretend one side means east side and on means west).  This should get you right out into the world looking as stupid (I mean cool) as can be.

2.  Wear your pants inside out.  Like Kriss Kross back in the day, you can show that you don’t follow anyones rules, especially rules about pants!

3.  Wear a headdress… crooked.  Fuck hats altogether, that’s old news.  Wear an Indian headdress, but show that you have the talent to cock it sideways or backwards to the side.  You’ll be the ultimate gangsta(er).

4.  Wear a mumu.  A huge one.  Who needs to sag your pants that are 17 sizes too big when you could wear the ultimate in large clothes… the MUMU!  You can get yourself a bedazzler and put some jewels in it to match your grill.  You can still wear your light brown Timberland work boots that you’re not going to do any work in also.

I’m sure I could go on and on, but this can get new wave celebrities and kids looking as stupid as possible, and thinking that it’s cool.  Have fun!